Noah 2005
Someone sent me this email today and I thought it was so funny I decided to post it here. The author is unknown and the story tells us what might happen if Noah was commanded by God to build an ark in 2005.
Here goes:
Noah in 2005
It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I´m going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until every living thing is destroyed.
“I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I´m commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for the Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah accepted the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
“Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah.” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”
“Oh Lord, please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best but there were big problems. Really big problems.
“First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the local codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and have them redraw the plans.
“Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
“I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
“However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So . . . no owls.
“That´s not all. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.
“Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
“Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
“They didn´t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
“Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
“Right now, I´m trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard the Ark!
“The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I´m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
“I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.´
“Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
“What can I do, Lord? I really don´t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
“Does this mean you´re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”
Here goes:
Noah in 2005
It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I´m going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until every living thing is destroyed.
“I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I´m commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for the Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah accepted the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
“Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah.” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”
“Oh Lord, please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best but there were big problems. Really big problems.
“First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the local codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and have them redraw the plans.
“Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
“I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
“However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So . . . no owls.
“That´s not all. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.
“Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
“Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
“They didn´t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
“Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
“Right now, I´m trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard the Ark!
“The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I´m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
“I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.´
“Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
“What can I do, Lord? I really don´t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
“Does this mean you´re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”
posted by gmanty at 8:12 AM
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