Policy of Containment

Living in warm, humid climates all my life (Florida, and Houston, TX) it goes without saying that I have been bothered by bugs all my life. I have mentioned various plans that detail how we could deal with ants, but I was surprised to find out how useful ants can be.

So, I have decided to pursue a policy of containment.

I have come up with a great way to keep ants and ALL BUGS out of our houses, while keeping nature's ecosystem in tact. I call it "The 2008 Presidential Policy of Containment for Bugs".

We will need to make use of the new teleporting technology (hopefully ready by 2008) that I discussed in my previous "Beam Me Up" post.

Now for your viewing pleasure, here are 4 quick and easy steps for implementing "The 2008 Presidential Policy of Containment for Bugs":

1. We will designate portions of wilderness, nature, parks, natural reserves, etc. as "bug containment areas".

2. We will surround these areas with a special "self containment unit". The "self containment unit" will keep all the bugs from going past the unit, by teleporting them back into their containment area.

3. We will surround all homes with what we call "eco-friendly bug protection units". These "eco-friendly bug protection units" transport any bugs that come in contact with them to the nearest "bug containment area", with a few exceptions (read step 4).

4. A certain percentage (5-10 %) of fire ants and deadly bugs (scorpions, black widows, etc.) are teleported to known terrorist locations.

This new bug policy is great for a number of reasons:

1. It gets rid of bugs.
2. It is eco-friendly.
3. It keeps us from using poisons to kill bugs.
4. It is perfectly safe.
5. It fights terrorism by giving the terrorist something else to do (deal with ants)
6. It provides high tech jobs to the US.
7. It will help get me elected.

Now, I know what you are thinking...

"Why didn't I think of that?"

Well, the answer is really quite simple...

It's because you're not thinking about running for President. If you were thinking of running for President then you would be coming up with ideas and policies like this all day long...

I believe my new policy of containment is a better plan for dealing with bugs than our current methods. I believe that my "Policy of Containment" is a policy that all of the American people will rally behind, because it will make this country a better, safer, and far less icky place to live.

Important note for members of PEST (People for Ethical Spider Treatment) and all other bug lovers out there. No spiders or other bugs were harmed in any way in the writing of this post.